my take on joy and grief

evening, nikon d50 digital

I was going to do a post on the amazing bridal portrait session I had last weekend but that will have to wait.

The truth is I'm pissed.

I've been spending more time with John's wife and while this is a blessing in all ways, it also provides ample opportunities to embrace the grief I feel over his passing.

How can I look in his son's face, seeing John's shadow right there in his son's eyes and ever explain to that child how much his dadda loved him?

How can I tell him how courageous his mamma is just by getting up every morning in the house where his dadda passed and somehow managing to get through her day?

Why? why dammit???

Why is John gone when somewhere in the world a woman is being beaten, a child going hungry, an animal being neglected...

Okay, I know that last sentence is completely irrelevant but I don't care at the moment.

Several amazing souls have wondered how they can be a joy rebel when they are sick or going through a tough time.

I think on this journey we'll find together the answers that fit best for us but for me, joy does not automatically equal happiness. Happiness is an important component of joy but really, joy equals authenticity. I'm so tired of not allowing my full self to emerge. When I don't let the grief and anger and frustration that comes with every day life out, I find that I can't let joy flood in.

And I also can't find all the joyful ways to heal or provide comfort to myself or release the hurt and ugly if I don't acknowledge all the crap in the first place.

the joy will flood in. I have gained confidence in this over the last few weeks. The grief flows now.

If you feel so compelled, please say a prayer for a woman grieving tonight as she cares for her child.

*rock on joy rebels*