in case you were wondering...

notice the shirt is inside out

there are days and weeks and months where I feel overwhelmed

when even vacation days are spent in my pj's working to catch up on all the other things I do

when I don't even want to look at the computer

but also have a fear that by disconnecting even for a little bit, I will lose the community that is important to me

when I struggle for balance

and wonder why the hell I create and write and blog and volunteer and stay 30 minutes late at the office

or if anyone cares

or if this journey ever ends

and knowing that it doesn't

and feeling really, really tired at that fact

I get asked all the time if I'm really this focused on joy all the time and of course I laugh and insist that I am human just like everyone else and am often cranky and annoying.

But I also realize that I don't share that part as much on this blog.

Mainly because this is such a creative outlet for me and I love the connections I've made and the inspiration I receive. So it's easy to see the beauty and joy when I am so fortunate to be surrounded by it in so many ways.

But also because when it comes down to it, I make the choice for joy and gratitude. Every day. Because I'm not willing to go back to the alternative.

At one time I was sucked into the spiral of clinical depression. I saw the world and everyone in it as if through a dirty windshield. Just when I had climbed out of the hole and stumbled a few shaky feet from it's edge, my husband (at the time) asked for a divorce.

I was devastated. Not to mention 23 years old, trying to finish college and flat on my ass broke. A dear friend very kindly offered me his spare room and some time to get situated before I needed to worry about contributing to rent. As I was crying in that room one night, on the single mattress on the floor that was being loaned to me, my kneejerk reaction was go to a bar, have a few drinks, find a 'friend' and basically do whatever it took to hide, push down or escape from the devastation and loss I was feeling.

And then something in me perked up and got PISSED OFF that my immediate reaction was towards destructive, unhealthy behaviors. My spirit showed up that night and whispered there's another path.

I had no idea what I was doing but I didn't go to the bar that night. Or the next. And I started reading and exploring and working on shifting my perspective.

10 years later, my initial reaction can still be towards the negative. Petty thoughts, jealousy, desire to escape. There are times when I wish I could turn off the light bulb that got turned on that night. But then my spirit speaks up again, says c'mon let's go find the good and I always tag along, though sometimes begrudgingly. Because what's the alternative? Go back down the spiral? Hell no.

I write this...well...I find myself struggling to justify why I am writing this. I worry that it comes across as self congratulating. But what I really just wanted to get across is if you ever find yourself struggling, having a bad day, comparing yourself to others or doubting your abilities, so do I. And the person in the cube next to you and the lady in line at the checkout counter and the guy in the other lane in traffic.

But I figure if you and I and the guy in traffic are still getting up and expressing gratitude and being nice to the person who fills our prescriptions and doing the best we can, then we're creating positive pathways through our lives. Pathways that lead away from that hole.